twas the night before Christmas

And all through the house...

A deep chill seeped in from the crisp, clear night as the gentleman stood in his kitchen, peering out the window.

This lonely soul once expected a miracle as he lost faith in Christmas years ago; the nightly ritual on the eve of Christmas was now just a hollow reprieve for a long-forgotten season that used to mean happiness and joy.

Now it means defeat and loneliness, utter abandonment while the seconds tick away to midnight.

Before retreating from his mournful post, he wonders how such terrible fictional characters as Scrooge and the Grinch can enjoy a 'happily ever after'. Then why can the universe find it in its infinite wisdom.....

Merry Christmas mom

Dear Mom

I purchased your gift though I know it will never reach its destination but remain eternally wrapped under the tree.  It was something that you always longed for, but I never got around to sending it.  Deep down inside, I regret not getting it to you sooner and wish so hard that I could give it to you now and watch the look on your face as it is unwrapped.  It would have brought you so much joy and happiness for the years to come, the years that we were meant to share.  The years we were robbed because of a soulless universe that takes quicker than it gives.  Although I will come to accept the world without my mother, this gift will remain unopened under my tree as I bury deeper the regret that I did not get it to you sooner.

~J

Ten Days of Christmas

On the first day of Christmas, my true love gave me divorce papers. On the second day of Christmas, my true love gave me two battling lawyers. On the third day of Christmas, my true love gave me three screaming children.  On the fifth day of Christmas, my true love took from me five golden rings.  On the sixth day of Christmas, my true love gave me six curses in six languages.  On the seventh day of Christmas, my true love gave me seven circles of hell.  On the eighth day of Christmas, my true love gave me eight days to move out.  On the ninth day of Christmas, my true love gave me nine outstanding credit card debts.  On the tenth day of Christmas, my true love gave me, ten years of heartbreak.

~J

Christmas Story (loosely based on a half true story)

When I was a child, I believed in Santa Clause until I was eight years old, when I snuck up and saw my mother planting the gifts under the tree and eating the cookies I put out the night before.

Little did she know I laced the cookies with a powerful sedative to trap the fat jolly man and steal all the presents meant for the good little boys and girls.

~ J

My Thanksgiving Post

I am thankful for the company that made my holiday weekend more special than I could ever imagine.

~J

Aproaching Storm

I meant to leave early but left after everyone else.

Locking up, I nodded to the cleaning lady and entered the cool Arizona evening.

I was struck immediately by the sweet smell of a fresh drizzle; thunder rumbled as crisp lightning in the distance over the north and west of the valley.

I stood beside Carma watching the show, contemplating how people are born, people die in the span of an eye blink, yet the universe continues.

Lachesis, my love, will I forgive.

There is such a thing as trying too hard

That is why I prefer not trying at all.

~ J

Everyone is a little insane

the people who hide it well, those are the people I worry about.

~ J

01010111 01101000 01111001

Sometimes when you are sad and angry and do not want to take it out on anyone else, you take it out on yourself.

~ J

I am an awful person

I cannot believe all the people who use the web to share their personal feelings.

An online "journal" posh.

I like the word "awful,"  so often perceived by its negative connotation but sandwiched between the dark definitions in the dictionary, shines a deeper meaning of reverence and respect.

At one time in my life, I considered myself an "awful" character. Now I can proudly say I am an awful man of character.

Is that not awful?

~J

Preapocolyptic

The days the robots take over may be within my life time.

The race to create the first self aware computer has taken a giant leap.

01001010

A person who never made a mistake never tried anything new. - A. Einstein

From our little perspective, the universe seems frozen in a timeless state as our world changes.

In some respect, this appears to be true as we gaze at a star-filled sky; we only see a picture painted long before our time.

The reality is the universe witnessed the creation of our planet; it blinked and missed our existence.

~J

What can I say

August has been quite a month.

She tested my spirit and strength only to prove to myself I can be stretch, bent, put through the frames but cannot break.

I cannot say for sure or remember to compare if my last summer was just as... Or more so than 2011.

And I dare only to wonder what the future may hold, because Karma has proven to me time and time again; just when you figure life out, life suddenly becomes even more bizarre and inexplicaple.

My response to Life, the Universe, and Everthing:

Is that the best you got?

(bring  it  on)

:-)

~ J

I have not updated my blog for awhile, I hope no one is filming me!

~ J

Sent from my iPhone

One day you are going to laugh at this all, so why not laugh now?

~ J

The unsung hero

Alas, I cannot fly; no feats of strength, heat ray vision, nor the mental acuity to lift objects with my mind.

I can, however, save your day with words of wisdom and a kind unwavering smile.

I can never judge but seek out a better understanding.

I wear my honor as a shield. Unyielding to negativity and thoughts of hatred.

I dawn the cape of loyalty—plenty of room to share in its pleasant warmth.

I am super in my rights though not perfect, but striving always to be better.

I may never save the world from itself, but I will always be there to keep it for

~ J

Never stop seeking what seems unobtainable.

~ J

A need to belong

Looking in at the joy of a family partaking an evening meal sharing their tales of the day.

Press a hand upon the warm pain longing to be a part of a forgotten tale.

Smiling with the laughter, moving closer as others listen intently, shedding a tear at the close of a happy ending.

Looking over a shoulder as a warm family home grows distant; a picturesque moment frozen in timelessness.

Feeling a need to belong.

~ J

Those who never do anything can never do anything wrong.

~ J

Nobody defines our worth unless we let them.

~ J

Wandering Soul

Here is something I wrote back in 2001 during the end of my 'dark phase'.  This is one of my less darker pieces, it is signed 'Jason' because that is who I was back then.

My reflection hiding away from me

Wandering my days of glory. Whittling with a diamond of hope. Located a faux hope strengthen with non truths and pretty colors. Seventy seven birds watch a group of children looking for a glimmer of intelligence in hopes they find the one to save their world.

~ J

Get out of MyFace

Friday night while watching television I looked over to my cellular device to see if there were any new Facebook updates since the last time I checked (3 minutes ago).

It was then I realized that in some small way I had an addiction.

Constantly checking my Facebook status, and even though I made it a point to NEVER use my cellular device at the dinner table, during conversations, I always 'checked in' to a place just to have a facebook presence.

Over the weekend I made a decision to avoid social networking site.  I still have the urge to check my phone, but to avoid temptation I deleted the app.

I seem to be getting along well without the knowledge that my brother drank his fifth beer, or the Timmy was constipated, or someone had to share the word F**K with the world (followed by 32 comments and as many 'likes'???).

I know I used the Facebookery to get my obscure messages across, but I still have my blog.

~J

After hours

Is when the fun begins.

Oh the tales spun, woven by the spiders and coiled in snakes.

Rummaging through the nonsensical matter to find the heart of truth.

Lies are truths: truths are lies does any of this really matter if we believe both one in the same.

They drink up the poisoned words like an elixir.

But to me is like a knife to the guy, as only the tales spun of gold gives me strength in humanities hope.

~ J

Feeling to long

For every decision we do not make somewhere in an alternate reality is a duplicate of us taking that path we abandoned.

I wished I had a window that can peer into one of these worlds where we chose right instead of left, coke instead of pepsi, I love you instead if ignore....

Looking through this window i saw a world without 'J' and frankly I was disturbed.

~ J

Preventing the end of the world

It seems like the events I set into motion were able to prevent (yet again) the end of the world.

Once again we were at the precipice of an apocalypse brought to us by doomsayers and false prophets.

Risking everything I went up against some unsavory elements and bending my moral compass in order to save humanity.

So until next time...

~J

"When you do things right, people won't be sure you've done anything at all." - B. B. Rodriguez

Calling home

I found myself in the habit of putting myself down instead of building myself up.
I have faced some pretty challenging things in my life. However building my own character seems to be a trying feet where I fail at time and time again.
How can I be an encouraging force in the lives of others when after all I continue to discourage myself.
All this begins with one simple question...
...am I happy?
~ J

Conversation with the universe

I am right here.

I can feel the breeze from the solar winds propelling the sails of serendipity across an infinite plain.

Sifting through the cold an expanse surrounded by billions of patternistic lights keeping me company yet so far a longing to touch one overcomes me.

I choose the closest one and point my evening ship toward it in hopes to reach within my life time. I travel miles and miles and the faint glimmer of my glowing goal never changes and remains aloof.

I continue to admire it from afar traveling at less than the speed of light but staying still.

~ J

Forgiveness

 

Is a hollow victory.  Worthless in meaning and intent.

Forgiveness will only bring an innate resentment to fruition which will lead to eventual anger then hatred.

There is no meaning to this word; humans should not bother with forgiveness for it will lead to a destructive path.

We cannot find hope only desperation by even the mere attempt of forgiveness.

Do not waste your time with forgiveness.

 

Until you are ready to forgive yourself.

 

~J

'you are right they do not remember J'

'how could they, he never existed, he served his purpose'

Something missing

Tonight I felt I was in the wrong place. That I had to be somewhere else and if I did not figure our where that is I was missing out on something great.

Unintentionally walked off the set of my own movie as the cameras rolled on without me; I wandered amongst the unkempt recesses of back stage where all the extras lounged about and drank as they waited to make their brief appearance in my life.

End scene.

~ J

Sent from my iPhone

A quote...

APRIL is the cruelest month, breeding
Lilacs out of the dead land, mixing
Memory and desire, stirring
Dull roots with spring rain.
Winter kept us warm, covering
Earth in forgetful snow, feeding
A little life with dried tubers.

T.S. Elliot

I guess we will never know

A journey to find happiness is one that begins at ones birth. Humans are all unwittingly a part of this venture even without this realization.

I sit alone in a pub occupying a booth contemplating the enjoyment of the surrounding patrons. All a part of a microcosm created by the happiness of their moment.

Conversational buzz engulfs my senses as I create this blog staying within my own little pocket of silence.

Waiting for the band to play.

~ J

Sent from my iPhone

Previously on Next Time...

I miss 2009.

2009 was a fun year, seen so many things, been to so many places, had some really amazing adventures.

Now it seems more like a ghost image of a life I had a long long time ago.

I know I can recapture these memories, but any of these following years will not compare.

I have a feeling that someone is about to prove me wrong.

~ J

Who Cancelled the end of the world?

I spoke with my mother on the phone today, we had a pleasent conversation.

I can tell she is trying very hard to be nice to me.

I think I liked it better when she bit my head off for the little stupid things I say.

It seems unnatural.

~ J

Pretty girls ignoring J

I have come to believe that the world does not spin on a perfect axis.

I asked the man on the moon does the sun rise in the east, his response would be 'The sun does not rise at all'.

We can argue with him from now to eternity the mere concept that the sun moves horizon to horizon is absurd to him.  However he will point out the period when the large green and blue ball disrupts the continuity of the sun's constant.

I can prove beyond the shadow of a doubt that The Sun does NOT rise in the east, nor does it set on the western horizon.

But in fact it is the Earth that spins constantly away from the unwavering light in an uncertain shame.

As she turns away only to long for the warmth of its light she once again spins to face her bathing.

Only to once again look away.

As we psych ourselves to boldly face life in all its glory we then bring ourselves to light our faults and turn to cower in the darkness as life beacons us to not to fear it but to embrace its nonjudgmental  warmth we once again spin around and leap at an opportunity only to once again hide from our own misconceived revelations.

~ J

pausing between order and chaos

(an excerpt from 'Personal Tao Musings')


With Chaos, many people become overwhelmed by what is by definition unpredictable.

The unpredictability of Chaos creates the illusion of events around one speeding up. It's not that events are speeding up as much as unpredictable actions are destroying the predictable order of normal day to day operations. One random event cascades into a hundred unforeseen activities. In orderly situations, we don't see much of the action since people purposely created the order to hide away most actions from our view.

Chaos forces you to deal with everything at once...

Most people handle this by trying to block out changes (resisting change).

• To resist change is slowly face erosion of your soul.
  (This often leads to depression that reinforces erosion)

Some people get overwhelmed and give up

• To be swept away by the events and lose your uniqueness in life

Ironically the times that appear most chaotic are not in times of chaos, but in the times when Order is breaking down to Chaos or Chaos is being reorganized into Order.

This is the in-between blink of transition, the unknown moment: that anyone feels in real change...

So the most dangerous time is not within times of order (more specifically times of negative order) and not within chaos (unpredictability), rather the most dangerous time of all:

Is in the blink between times of chaos and order.

When the system of flow is in turbulence between chaos and order.

 In Taoism we teach to pause between changing states, to allow awareness to be part of our process to better flow with what will be.
This isn't about gathering all the information you need. In fact to try to figure it all out, will just cause paralysis rather than pause.

Discover this is about pause, true pause, an active state when our essence is open to everything around us. Not categorizing everything with knowledge, but accepting the connections around us with awareness.

It then becomes possible to select the connections that reinforce our essence and release any connections that diminish ourselves. Then as the situation evolves into either order or chaos, it become possible to change your personal state to act accordingly.

Traveling backwards in time to repeat mistakes

I am one of those guys, one of those few, rare guys back from the age of the dinosaurs, I am surprise I still exist.

There is a story here, unfortunately they bought out the movie rights so enough of my weekly entertainment I will just rip it off from several different biographies and paste them together and call it my life.

Even though my tale is a hell of a lot more interesting I do not reveal the details so I will not lose the respect of my peers.

I was a writer, once.  I woven together dark tales and poems of black depth.  I believe then I was more creative my dark passenger was my muse and as I banish her from my life I lose my creativity making way for this mundane dibble i dare to post.

Think really hard, because this is going to be tough, hidden within this obvious absurdity is a simplistic riddle woven amongst a play on words that no one but myself will get.

~J

Book of J: Chapter 46: Ytin Asni Eht Gnil Eef

1 Earning my respect
      lowering my guard for you
           bowing to no one

2 indecisions go
      complicating certainties
           nothing in my way

3 intertwining fates
      vortex swallowing my soul
           nowhere, no one to turn to
                I will rise again

End of a good weekend birth of a Great Week

I have concluded this evening with a Cap'n VV (Captain Morgan with a splash of vanilla vodka).

Normally I do not drink alone, however I made an exception tonight to toast a brand new week.

Monday is my day, since it is despised by the masses I claimed it for myself.

I am not going to post about last week, as the warmth of the rum fills my essence the events of the previous week fades away into a distant dream making way for a blank slate to be filled with a positive outlook on the week ahead.

Although things may seem in a state of chaos, there is always an order, a grand plan.

One just needs to sort out the shattered pieces and find the masterpiece hidden within.

Once again the past has become a part of my mantle forged into a solid badge of armor making me stronger than I was the week before.

and this chapter has not even concluded yet...

~ J

You can't do anything about the length of your life, but you can do something about its width and depth.

       - Shira Tehrani

Book of J: Chapter 32: Autumn of Spring

1 Spring opens a gate
      never give in to a fate
           oh my thirst abate

            2   introducing dawn
                    twilight's destiny spawn
                         serenity's pawn

3 etch my heart of stone
      ubiquitous mind atone
           quietly alone

Questioning answers

I had a very progressive week which has concluded into a tribunal session.

I wish I can get into details of this past week but since the Internet has turned into a not-so-private venue I am sure someone will come across this post and put the pieces together.

I can only speak for myself.

My position as supervisor has changed exponentially since I officially started in September of 2010.

It has taken me beyond the borders of the four walls at tech HQ and into a fast pace environment of information technology.

Keeping up with it has put my morality to a hard test, bending it to such a point that I am questioning the validity of what surrounds me.

One of my ways to remain grounded is to count on a close friend to confide in. Unfortunately being in AZ has put a strain of distance on my to closest friends back in FL. I am finding it increasingly difficult maintain the level of communication I need to confide in or be the one for them to turn to as well.

Fortunately Karma has provided me a friend I can trust here in AZ that I feel comfortable being open with as they do with me.

On many levels this has been quite a stressful week, one filled with dozens of twists and such a shocking cliff hanger that even I cannot wait to see how the following week will turn out. And I am certain the conclusion of this coming week will end in a......

~ J

Sent from my iPhone

awkward conversations with myself

I am considering the termination of this blog.  I have not been the J I wanted to be for a year now.   A year since I dropped away from my personal journey of weight loss.

I am lacking the will to even complete this blog post.

to be continued

~ J

Book of J: Chapter 77

1  existing alone
     understanding my complex thoughts
          quitting old habits

2  incomplete heart
     nothing to fill emptiness
          ultimately

3  magical being
     accepting who I am not
          imagination

4  jokes made in bad taste
     minute certainty of love
          amazing is who I am
               it is not enough