Blog on hold

Please pardon this brief interlude, feel free to peruse the earlier post in the mean time.

~ J

W6: D36; Hey buddy can you spare some change?

My path is one of inner peace and self enlightenment.

As I journey toward self awareness I begin to see the flaws in the world around me which that much more clarity.

Do not get me wrong, I am far from perfect, nor will I ever achieve perfection.  I only seek a fraction of enlightenment.

My understanding of the world around me comes into a focus, not an absolute, but a small percentage; more than I was yesterday or yesteryear.

With this comes the burden of responsibility called 'acceptance'

I must learn to accept the more inhumane qualities of humanity or else I am in danger of becoming sucked into despair and possibly resentment to those who continue to practice deceit and  harm to their neighbors.

As I force myself to become a kinder and more understanding man, I am sadden by the negativity my own family exudes.

Knowing I cannot change the world and only accept it for what it is, is one thing; However

Watching my family travel down the path of self destruction is one of the most difficult parts of my own journey.

For attempting to show them the peace I seek only ends up dragging me into their despair and self pity.

With family this pull is much stronger and the loss of my humanity is greater in the end.

If I cannot help them by pleading to them to change, then I must do the most difficult thing of all.

I need to separate myself from them in order to continue down my path and only hope to lead by example.

I am not perfect.

I am far from inner peace.

Farther still from enlightenment.

But I am J.

No matter what obstacles are thrown into my path.

What burdens I am forced to carry.

I am J and nothing, no one, can change this.

~ J

W5: D34; My valentine's post

Seeking my valentine.

She must be willing to smile at a moments notice.

Willing to be treated with respect, kindness, and compassion.

She must be able to put up with my good nature, my constant bombardments of compliments, and observations.

She needs to be able to understand that I am not right all the time and be willing to accept an apology for the frequent occasions I may be wrong.

She must be willing to know that she will be loved and no matter what I will never betray or turn away from her, and always take her side.
Willing to be comforted when needed, hugged when down, and cheered up when sad.

When she feels vulnerable to understand I am there to take care of her

Thank you

~ J

This is going to be a great weekend...

Because I said so!

~ J

A day in a blog of.......

Hey friends,  it seems I have been concentrating my posts solely on my recovery, and I need to get back to the regularly schedule chaos.

I was pondering a question, where is ones place in the universe?

and I came to one very simple yet obvious answer to this most sought after question .

The answer to this question: Right now.

Allow me to break this down.

Right now is a fix point in time, tomorrow (the future) does not exist.  The only certainty about tomorrow is it will arrive in 24 hours.

We tend to get so caught up with the 'what will' of a shifting period of time that we tend to put blinders toward the 'what now' of today.

here is an awesome quote I found on the internet:

"Discover potential by living now. Discover a full life by being present in the now rather than getting lost in tomorrow's to be..."

Being an observer of the human condition I tend to spot the potential of humanity.

we need to learn to become more aware of ourselves and our environment, so we can realize our potentials and the possibilities that surround us on a daily basis.

So quit fretting about something yet to exist so you will not miss out on the possibilities that are present.

~ J

W5: D31; No J, No Peace. Know J, Know Peace

There is one are of my life that I know very well I need to work on, this is my ego.


As I strip away the layers of my personality, something one does in the area of recovery, I come across my defect of character is that I can be a bit self absorbed, egotistical, and self-centered.


Sure I joke as this being my "good" qualities, but in the grand scheme of things this is actually an area I need to work on.


Once I realize my place in this universe is not at the center, then I can finnaly humble myself to my disease (addiction).  


I am J, and I am at day 31 of my new 2010 journey, so far I kept at my below 1000 calorie goal.  I am not seeing the results, yet, but this will not hinder me.  I will be strong, I will remain vigilant.  I will stay away from Dunkin Donuts.


I am not perfect.  I am not flawless.


I am Human, I am J.


Thank you
~ J


Epilogue:  certain pieces to my puzzle are falling into place and the larger picture is slowly beginning to reveal itself.  I may not see this in its entirety, I may not know what the outcome may be, but I understand.

W5: D30; J vs. Publix

Hello my friends,

Today I came to a conclusion about certain events outside my reality and decided to speak up, despite my vow of wei wu wei (action without action).

Afterwards I ended up in Publix and it was me against their super sale on Valentine goodies.

Suffice to say I remained abstinent, completed my nightly exercise, went to sleep, and woke up now...

~J (and you wonder why he leaves so much out)

I am in pain...

..but I feel o-kay.

.
~ J

Dont you love valentine's day >:-(

W5: D29; To new beginnings...

Greetings,

Welcome to the second month of my new 2010 journey.

Ironically I have received multiple compliments on how great I look throughout the day yesterday, and today.

Not to mention I am really digging some pictures I have of myself on Facebook.

all in all not bad.

I am still fighting with my scales (yes scales, plural).

But I am noticing my muscle tone is quite impressive (to me since it is still hidden under my considerable bulk).



Also I have a sponsor through the OA program I am working.

We had our first phone conference last night, it feels good having someone with shared experience checking up on me or keeping me in check.

I have more to say, but I need to get to bed.



~ J

Epilogue: I am J. and I am Happy.

W4: D28; All good things....

This post concludes week four, my goal was to lose 20 pounds by tomorrow.


This has been an interesting month, filled with highs and lows, mainly lows.


In the end I have learned that I am in this alone.


But.


I am not alone.


~ J


Epilogue: 

I am here...






early Monday morn
     masking these feelings of joy
          remembering

onto another
     following hearts desire
          eclipsing my fears

rest assured I am
     eternally in your grace
          happily ever

emptiness fulfilled
     becoming is who i am
          loneliness my fate

lilies in a field
     I will admire afar
          wild flowers bloom

opening my mind
     hope is not lost cause
          where is my question

by J

I am

W4: D26; Why did the chicken cross the road?

Greetings my friends,

As I come in to a conclusion to week four of the new leg of my journey, I come to the realization that I was able to begin anew because I am doing this for myself, and no one else.

This has been a reoccurring issue with me in the past as I made changes in my life to please other people.
However this will fall under the category "accept the things I cannot change"

I know you are thinking "but J you are making these changes to your own self"

Yes, but I was making those changes in hopes that I change someone else.

In this my changes became moot.

So it was not until I realize that these changes were for myself and only myself, that I am able to enter this leg of my journey with a renewed vigor and positive attitude toward bettering my self.

So when my scale says that nothing loss, I am not discouraged because my old clothes are hanging off my body as a clown, and newer smaller sizes are now fitting me like a glove, and my muscle tone in my chest arms and abdomen are becoming more defined.

So by this I am now recouraged (or is it encouraged?).

Thank you for seeing me through these past four weeks.

All I have to say going into week five is:

BRING IT ON!!!

~ J

Epilogue:  to answer the riddle "why did the chicken cross the road?"

To get into me belly.

I got into an arguement with my digital scale, I have been seeing a new scale.

W4: D25; Week four overview...

This week we learned J's take on the serenity prayer

J bought two pairs of pants, one his current size, and one a size smaller.  The size smaller was going to be his "goal" pants, setting a goal to fit into them in less than two weeks.  When he arrived home with his purchases, just for fun, he tried on his size smaller "goal pants" and to his amazement, they fit.  Not only did they fit but there was no two hours struggle to button them up, nor is there any unnecesary strain on the waist area where the button is in danger of flying off and striking some random kid in the head (not that that ever happened, because it did not, happen that is, or at least when the kid came to without any memory J took that as a free pass of that ever happening).

So now J is stuck with a new pair of pants that fits and one too big.

Anyway where were we, oh yeah week in review, we learned J's take on the...

What was that now? oh yeah I said that already.

we previewed three more random chapters from the "Book of J" (available nowhere).


and how to make a fat free, sugar free double chocolate, chocolate fudge, cream filled seven layer chocolate chip cookie cake.

~ J

Epilogue:

Book of J, Chapter 34:

I am J

I used to be Jason, but I eleminated Anger, Selfishness, Obesity, and Negativity from my life.

Now I am J.

~J (because I am)

W4: D24 ...and the wisdom to know the difference

Wisdom is key, at this point we need all the wisdom we can get.

Wisdom is so key that we need to pray for guidance.

Wisdom is a certain state of awareness to see outside the box.

Seeing outside your own box is paramount to any type of recovery.

The more aware you become of your enviroment and your addiction the more you can see the differences to the things you can or cannot change.

This of course is not a simplistic task. We need to work on ourselves, work on our deffects of character, and work a program before we can achieve enlightenment.

Thank you for stopping by

~ J

Epilogue:

Book of J, Chapter 12;

1 Humanity has a tendancy to create a bubble of illusion, living in a fantasy world of sorts.  2 In this little world they are the center of the universe existing only for themselves.  3 Creating illusions of how things actually are and seeing things with a skewed perception.  4 Being more 'aware' I can see the raw reality surrounding me. Being human (flawed) I too am subjected to creating this 'bubble'. The only difference is I am aware of this and often see through it.  5 However being human (flawed) I sometimes fall prey to the created illusions. This kunumdrum causes a conflict between my logical and irrational sides.  6 The logical, being more aware and seeing through my created illusions.  7 Irrational, the side myself stuck inside my created bubble.  8 Seeing outside my own box, I teach myself to 'contain' my irrationality in turn accepting my reality and knowing the difference between the two.

W4: D23; To change the things I can

The next line in the serenity prayer basically tells us "Yes there are things in life that you can change"

The changes we need to make can only be made within ourselves.

Now if there is someone in your family that constantly antagonizes you to the point of insanity and no matter what you do or say to this person, the attacks continue, and the more you try, and the more you say, the worst it gets.

At this point we need to realize that the only changes you can make in this type of relationship is within yourself.

By creating serenity in our lives, our minds what we need to change becomes more apparent.

Then new options you never knew existed opens up.


~ J

Epilogue:

Book of J, Chapter 13:


1 entering a new
     mental state of my being
          excepting my fate

2 evil thoughts shut out
     surviving war with demons
          underestimate

3 only I can know
     yet if I told my secret
          outcome can only destroy
               determination

W4: D21; ...To accept the things I cannot change.

Oh boy this is a broad statement to say the least, especially speaking to a person who wants to change the world.

As human beings we are flawed creatures, constantly making the wrong decisions.

My idea of attempting to change an environment governed by chaos only fed into my insanity.

This insanity fed into my addiction.

In a world of constant consequence the only things we can truly change is ourselves.

So as the second line in the serenity prayer states:

God,
Grant me the serenity
To accept the things I cannot change
...

A key to my survival in overcoming such an enormous addiction is 'acceptance' by this one word I am makeing a leap into the correct direction of recovery.

And the acception of things I cannot change is a difficult choice, by by accepting this we gain a better understanding of our environment and then our selves.

~ J

Book of J, Chapter 77:

W3: D20; Grant me the serenity

At this point I now recognize that I allowed my addiction to take control of my life.

Although I have been free from 'binging' for over a year, this does not mean I am free from my addiction ruling my self.

At this point I need to find a place to grant me serenity, the serenity I need to escape the driving force of my vice.

I found solace in a variety of places, but I see now that I need to seek my serenity from peers that lived the out-of-control lifestyle I found myself trapped in.

I have restored my faith in humanity through a close friend, who (unbeknownst to her) showed me that there are still people in the world who actually care and thrive on others positivity.  I am not explaining this properly, but my questioning humanity is a separate topic of discussion.

I am grateful to discover a group of individuals who share similar stories.

Thank you for stopping by

~ J

Book of J, Chapter 22:

1  I am like the wind.  I can be the calm breeze on a warm summer day.  If someone should stand against you; I will be the hurricane a force to be reckoned with.
2  I am like a rock.  No matter what negative force should come against me, my resolve will not break; no matter what I will be a stable force, I will always be there and never turn away.
3  I am as fire.  I will bring a life giving warmth when times seem cold.  In turn I will give you a burning desire to live life, fire the soul so you can make it through the day
4  I am water.  Overtime I can wear away your hardened heart.  Wash away your fears and resentments, cleanse old wounds.
5  I am spirit.  I am steadfast.  Free of doubt, with a higher clarity of purpose and understanding of my reality.
I am J.

I am flawed.