Courage

I wish I dared to damn it all and disappear to explore the
world, what is it worth working all day, coming home to no one, living
a short life is missing out on what else this planet has to offer...

...what if...

Understanding

This is something I try to have in spades.

Every day I try to see things from others' perspectives knowing there is a story behind the reasons for their behavior, how they walk, how they talk how they betray.

I practice understanding and, patience, constant forgiveness; I always give people the benefit of the doubt.

I wish one day, someone would give me a chance.

My Bucket list

1.  Purchase a bucket

Crisis of conscience

This evening I had the company visit me after I settled into getting
home from work.

I let them in and welcomed them into my home. We sat around the dining
room table, reminiscing. Not the recent past but from a
history of a life I lived a long, long time ago.

They brought up things I chose to forget. acts so terrible I separated
myself from that person as if it were the life of another man.

In a not-so-condemning way, they reminded me of these things and so
much more. I cannot say the evening was entirely unpleasant; just a
revelation as to why I do not deserve great things.

They reminded me that no matter how hard I try to be a better man,
this path is one I am cursed to travel alone. They wanted me to accept my fate, and at the end of the evening, I bade them farewell; I saw my demons
off, wondering if I would sit here and accept things the way they were.

J

Sent from my iPhone

New Tritionist

In less than two days, I have an appointment with a nutritionist.

I received her info from a lady from OA, assuring me she specializes in special cases like mine.

Yes, I am a special case!

Things I had today:

For breakfast, I ate a creamy peanut butter Atkins bar (for those of you who do not know, this is a 0Carb protein bar)

For lunch, I had leftover chicken breasts cooked at the Foreman Grill last night (a quarter of a pound)

The Foreman grill is the most awesome tool ever created, especially for someone with strict dietary needs like myself.

For dinner, I spiced up some ground turkey and grilled turkey burgers with a side of broccoli

Things I wanted to eat:

-Sausage egg and cheese on a pretzel roll from Dunkin Donuts
-Large Pumpkin spice Isced latte
-A donut from Rainbow Donuts (let's be honest, I would have eaten five)
-Birthday cake I saw in the lounge at one of my schools
-Peach cobbler, my mom's recipe; been craving this off and on for weeks now

They say soon I will not desire the above, that I will look at them with a mere "meh," but for now...
...grant me the strength...

14 Days 22 Hours 34 Minutes

...ago, I started my abstinence counter, a counter to my complete abstinence without compromise.

I am not sure what the future holds for me

I know only now; I look down at a count up from the day I started this journey, 14 days, 22 hours, and 36 minutes ago.

Saying goodbye to the things that I love, things that I tended to before those I love.

How is it that such inanimate objects have such control over me?

14 days 22 hours, and 38 minutes ago

I see that number and count the days with an excruciating effort.

I pray to my higher power to accept things I cannot change, to help me change what I can, and for wisdom to understand the difference between them.

14 Days 22 Hours, and 39 minutes

I look at that number and realize, damn, I type slowly.

Finding it difficult to speak

So I had committed to leading the Thursday evening of the daily group meetings I attend.

The meetings start at 5:30; I was across town and made sure to leave the school I was at early enough to make the meeting on time.

They did not count on a forty-minute commute to my meeting and were three minutes late; they had passed the lead to someone else (which is expected for meetings that start ritualistically on time).

It bothered me that I missed the lead; I take pride in my commitment and the fact that I am never late; I broke two of those things this evening, and it hit me hard.

I am never late for work and always honor my commitments to the schools and the corp office, so it is an incredible letdown when I cannot have the same treatment in my personal life.

Eighteen years, Two months, Twenty-four days...

...ago, I weighed 300. I was confronted with a tough question and went through with a major weight loss, and within a year, I lost close to 100 hundred pounds,

But close to the 100th pound, I wavered and fell into oblivion.

Four years, Eight months, and Eight days...

...ago, I weighed myself and topped off at close to 425 pounds.

It was New Year's Eve of 2008, and I made a vow to lose 100 pounds by the following recent years.

That year I met a girl, fell in love when on adventures, lost the girl to another man, and hit my goal by the end of the year.

I continued to lose at least 25 more pounds by March, but three major life-changing events caused me to stumble badly.

The third of which was moving out here to Arizona.

One year, Six Months, and Thirty Days ...

...ago, I weighed myself and came in at 400 pounds even, realizing I went back too many steps, again, in too short of a time.

So I tried again; I tried hard but could not keep at it.

Four Months and Thirty Days...

...ago I tried again, with some help from a friend.

These past four months, I loved and lost again; I struggled and fell hard a couple of times and finally realized that I had an eating disorder.

I have lost 53 pounds so far, and right now, I am fighting hard to keep it off; I am fighting hard to keep losing.

I wish I could laugh in the mirror again, I wish I had adventures with that special person waiting for me again, and I wish I had a friend by my side to encourage me as I encourage them...

But this time, I need to learn to do it independently.

At this point, the only option I have is either I lose 100 more pounds by this time next year, or I am dead.

God grants me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

Chi Chis

I will always remember that small restaurant at the mall's top level.  It stood out because it was one of the last t shops on its floor; the others were just the maximum levels of the large department stores, Sears and Macys.  It was a Mexican Chain, popular at the time, and the food was decent, portions large.  But the one aspect of this non-disclosed restaurant is the memories it held of my family who frequenitment.

I am sure I had many pleasant moments growing up with my stepfather. However, most of them have faded into the recess of my mind; only one remains more prominent than any other, most likely the fondest of them all.

I was ten or eleven then; the atmosphere was festive as my mother, brother, and newly indoctrinated stepfather sat at a large table with several close friends from our church family.  Looking around the table with a broad grin, I look at our dear family friend, Donny, sitting in the far corner.  He is a lean black man, a little slow mentally, but with a huge heart to make up for that incapacity.  We have taken this man in on many occasions; he is in his early twenties at that time, unwanted by his mother.  Donny tended to couch surf as others of our congregation also took him in; he never was a burden and never overstayed his welcome.

He sat alongside my brother, who, whenever the black man was around my brother was glued to his side.  I can trace back my brother’s love of music to their friendship, and because of Donny’s impairment, he related to us on our level as preteens.

Across from Donny and my brother was another longtime family friend, Michael Lee.  Michael was an amazing artist; he was showing off his illustrations of Spiderman as both my brother and Donny looked over with childlike wonder.  Later he produced an uncanny sketch of Donny that captured his likeness remarkably. 

Looking past the others, they escaped my mind except for Wesley, who sat beside my stepfather, enraptured in their conversation.  The table held a little more than ten.

Me, I sat in the center, as I always tended to do, wanting to be a part of every conversation.

We celebrated the union between my mother and stepfather; my mother was so happy, so much in love, and unbeknownst to us, pregnant with our baby brother.

The wedding was tiny and took place in our home church no more than the people who sat at that table witnessed the marriage.  My little brother and I stood beside the groom; my uncle was the best man.  Our pastor, who presided over the ceremony, also made a brief cameo at the dinner and then left home to be with his family.

I remember looking at everyone there; a couple of our eyes met others enraptured in their microcosm.   And my eyes fell upon him; in a way, I was in love too, in love with the idea of having a father, a man to complete our circle.  Someone to make the person who bent over backward to make us happy, to make her happy too.

I look into his eyes with innocence. I never knew upon the very man to steal my innocence away.  The man who became my torturer, the man who would beat me senseless for the slightest discretion.  The man who condemned me for talking to girls, the man who pinned me down and punched me repeatedly whenever he suspected that I might be going out to meet a girl.  The man who beat me for things I deserved and beat me for something I didn’t.  The man who stabbed me with a fork and walked away for talking after bedtime, where I had to pull the utensil meant for eating out of my leg quietly not to occur further punishment.  The man who did this time and time again as my precious baby brother watched from his top bunk, a boy of barely 3 or 4, who to this day remembers what was done to his two older siblings.

For now, I am close to forty years old and afraid to get close to a girl, afraid to get close to children, a fear that I, too might hurt the ones I love.  A fear that I might accidentally break a precious little child.  A fear that I may become the man who tormented me. 

I know I am a good man; some may say I am a ‘great’ man, but once, so was he.

This week in J Fin

I dreamt the last knight that I was a rogue warrior that could transport between two time periods; for me to save the past from an ugly war against a demonic force from an alternate reality, I had to travel to the future to gather clues that can either lead to the demise of our monstrous enemies or figure out the best road to humanities survival.

Seeing a beautiful world with rolling hills and stunning castles, and thick forests, then traveling to the future to see this magical place corrupted by modern technology, humanity's carbon footprint, and layers of forest to be replaced by a concrete jungle.

To sift through the modern madness to find clues of a war that took place over two thousand years in the past was difficult.

I could turn invisible; I used this to make my way through the enemy camps in the past and buildings in the future that was otherwise not accessible to mere mortals.

Ultimately, I learned that losing the war would prevent humanity's self-destruction by their very 'progression' and preserve the beauty of the past for thousands of years.

weird dream

Darienism #102

I can't even make a good joke cause I just end up making myself laugh.

Sent from my jPhone

Reflection

underground you go
reduced to sheep, gods no more
alone? she is not.

zero courage......you
I will not honor your pact
my prison! I Choose!

©2013 http://www.KinseMySweetHero.com

My musical montage

I was watching this show the other day where this guy was interested
in this lady who had been on a few casual dates.

The guy wanted to bring their relationship to the next level but, at first,
did not know how. Until he and his childhood buddy concluded that he
needed a 'musical montage' moment as the catalyst to achieve this
goal.

I thought how awesome that was; then I realized I had a few 'musical
montage' moments with someone, although it did not go the way of how
the tv show dude was going with his; I would have to say my 'musical
The montage moments were pretty fucking spectacular!


Sent from my iPad

The Clip Show

Monday, I completed the setup of a new school's technology; I am in awe at the new school's principal over the summer. She watched as the dream of her new school opened close to being shattered as the summer break concluded, and construction on her new site never started.

Although she lives 200 miles from the AZ capitol, she was the Phoenix here, rising from the ashes and putting together a school in three days!

I am glad to witness this no easy feat, receiving little help from above and plenty of opposition from mean-spirited parents; she was the strong person here; I wish I could have done more to aid her, but I am only a simple IT person.

See In Love

you see into me
     eyes so deep I am longing
          knowing you is hard

now you must be strong
     our future is unknown
          my hope is anew

© 2013 Kinse, My Sweet Hero

Is it a prerequisite for janitors....

...to resemble Scooby Doo villains?

J

Sent from my jPhone

I went to buy a 5 hour energy drink

Accidentally picked up 'decaf'

Duck that shit! Decaf? What's the point, might as well buy NyQuil.

J

Sent from my jPhone

If at first you don't succeed

Try again
If at second you don't succeed
Try again
If at third you don't succeed
Try again

If at fourth you don't succeed
Try again
If at fifth you don't succeed
Try again

If at sixth you don't succeed
Try again

If at seventh you don't succeed
Try again

If at eighth you don't succeed
Try again

If at ninth you don't succeed
Try again

If at tenth you don't succeed
Try again

If at eleventh you don't succeed
Try again

If at twelfth you don't succeed
Try again

If at thirteenth you don't succeed
Try again

If at fourteenth you don't succeed
Try again

If at fifteenth you don't succeed
Try again

If at sixteenth you don't succeed
Try again

If at seventeenth you don't succeed
Try again

If at eighteenth you don't succeed
Try again

If at nineteenth you don't succeed
Try again

If at twentieth you don't succeed
Try again

If at twenty-first you don't succeed
Try again

If you don't get it by the twenty-second time

then its probably a good idea for a career change!

J

Sent from my jPhone

If you can't laugh at yourself

Then it would help if you came up with better material.

J

Sent from my jPhone

To be cool and edgy I legally changed my middle name to 'Danger'

To be dark and mysterious I legally changed my first name to 'Stranger'

J

Sent from my jPhone

Breadcrumbs

This past couple of months, my journey has taken me through a pretty dark forest.

As I traversed the burdensome obstacles, I was faced with choices I made in years past

Not in recent history, but going back over six years.

Not sure why my mind is drudging up the decisions I made I long ago forgave myself for; the guilt of those choices weighs me down.

Things I did from childhood into my late twenties, yell at me like some mad woman looking for anyone to pay attention to her, even if it is negative attention.

Some are blurred; others come in with crystal clarity. I could almost smell and hear the sites and sounds of this troubling past engulf me.

People I caused turmoil with pleading to me, asking me why...

How did I allow these demons to enter my sanctuary once again, almost as if there was something from that time that was calling out to me, only to be drowned out by the anguish of my sins?

Something I need to remember floating at the edge of the murk being dredged up, a lingering memory like when you feel you left the stove on or the house unlocked when you are well on your way on vacation.

So I search through these dark woods for an answer, avoiding the overwhelming guilt threatening to overtake me, hoping that the breadcrumbs I leave behind lead me back home.

Fucking birds

Good Bye July

You gave us so much, the height of summer heat, the fourth day of the month, er.....a month that starts with the letter "J"? Yeah, so it had nothing to offer, but it was July.

It is also the gateway month to the second half of the year; not sure why that is significant, only a reminder that 2013 is slowly coming to an end, never to be seen again, forever eclipsed in the memories of those who existed in it, grateful to those who were born in it, mournful to those who past in it.

Thank you, July.

August, you better not fuck it up!

~ the all so humble

The day before tomorrow

Greetings Mortals,

Hamburger with blue cheese
Parmesan fries
NYC style pizza
S'mores blizzard
Pineapple upside-down cake
Banana creme pie
Gourmet donuts
Hard salami hero with mayo deli mustard and completed with a layer of sliced sharp cheddar

I am writing this down as they come to me throughout the week.

~ J

Sent from my iPhone

What happen to 'Day Two'

Greetings fellow Earthicans,

Today is where I am where i ended up today in the seat of the place of where I ended up on the day of when i am. 

Let me start from the beginning....

Three days earlier....

It was a muggy afternoon which was unusual for me being in the dry desert for the past three years. The native Phoenicians insist that this is normal this time of year and cAll it 'monsoon season'. Just to be clear its nothing like 'Christmas Season' it's that one time a year it decides to rain out in the desert where the heavens open up and dump the entire contents of the Pacific Ocean onto the unwitting populace of this small town. 

But I digress. 

Today happen to be a sunny day, though the valley was surrounded by majestic clouds, the bordering mountains seemed to keep them at bay. 

The temperature was 117 degrees(115 with the wind chill factor) I was finishing up at a site for the day. Loading up my car I had no intention of making a meeting, it had been a super long day and I was extremely tired. That was when I heard that voice. 

It was a small voice, always been there, but until now drowned out byy need to feed. This time was different, being abstinent for a couple of weeks this voice was a siren song. 

"J, J, you have done so good J, more than two weeks My friend and no sweets, no fried foods, no carbs J, you have done so well" 

The voice was so so soothing. And said great things, patting myself on the back I smiled to myself, but it was not finished....

"Good job J, good job. You deserve to reward yourself, you deserve a treat, how about it J, how about a large blizzard from the Dairy Queen, make it two, you deserve it J..."

Stepping into my car I paused for a second and thought to myself I do deserve it, I did a great job, I feel great and have been doing awesome

So I jumped into my car and made it to my meeting with two minutes to spare

To be continued...

J

Sent from my jPhone

The Grand ReReReReOpening (What do you mean 'ReReReReOpening' is misspelled?)

Greetings Mortals,

I have decided to reopen this blog site to the public.

If you happen to stumble upon my page then move on, I am a boring rambler with nothing to say.

~ Almighty J

I am going to title this 'day one'

I took a step in a new direction, I am calling the 'day one' but I poked around this path for two weeks now, on the eve of the second week I am making this commitment.
I know what you are thinking, I rarely stick to my commitments, well the ones make for myself.
What makes this different you ask?
My response, nothing absolutely nothing.
I am going to take this one, well, one day at a time.
at least I will not be doing this on my own.
~ The Great and Poweful J

2013.5

Wow folks today marks the official halfway point of 2013 and the only thing I can think of saying is: 176 days until Christmas!

Happy New Year!

Endings without beginnings

The first half of 2013 is almost over, the highs and lows were exhausting.

I realize now I cannot write, a wordsmith I am no longer. 

My thoughts escape me I am now just putting words to the screen attempting to make sense to the thoughts that swim around my skull, bouncing through the hollows that a brain once occupied, witnessing first hand the points of my IQ drop.

Not sure what I am doing wrong to suffer so much rejection in my life, the only way to avoid hurt is to avoid people (says the people person).

Endings before beginnings

The first half of 2013 is almost over; the highs and lows were exhausting.

I realize now I cannot write; a wordsmith, I am no longer. 

My thoughts escape me. I am now just putting words to the screen, attempting to make sense of the ideas that swim around my skull, bouncing through the hollows that a brain once occupied, witnessing the points of my IQ drop.

Not sure what I am doing wrong to suffer so much rejection in my life; the only way to avoid hurt is to prevent people (says the people person).

~ j

(I know this is a duplicate post, but I liked this title, so I kept it. Also, I inserted some extra words in this one. Let's see if you can find them)

2013040620130519

Fighting for the chance to keep hope alive, some semblance of happiness in this short-lived time we have on this rock floating through space with an unknown destination.

Who among us is safe from the finality our existence has to offer with only the dream of passing our legacy off to our progeny and one day changing the world through a mere hope that the next round will be the good one?