into The light

Setting up my Windows Live Writer

Enjoy my nonsense

Not feeling very finley

I can not get this idea out of my head. Once the seed was planted the roots have dug deep within my heart, soul, and mind.

I peer into an unknown future of uncertainties a blank canvas of where our past and present actions plays themselves out.

~ J

Sent from my iPhone

Fifteen years, one month, and twenty-two days...

...ago was the day I looked into the mirror and laughed at the 300 pound buffoon that looked back at me.

I had made the decision to lose 100 pounds by the end of the year, and just about met my goal.

Now 15 years, 1 month, and 22 days later I am faced once again with the same goal.

This time recovering from a 120 pound loss (and a 20 pound gain) leaving me with where what I have started with a little over 15 years ago.

So, once again, I laugh at that idiot in the mirror, banishing him to that opposite world filled with loneliness and pain, and embark on that journey once more. This time...

...This time without looking back, only looking forward. For I do not know if today is my last day, but I do promise you this...

...if I should die tomorrow I will weigh less than I did yesterday.

~ J
Sent on the Sprint® Now Network from my BlackBerry®

Quantum singularity in a bottle

I am I am I am Superman and I can do anything - R.E.M.

I completed my sixth week in Arizona.

The past month and a half has been quite an adventure, between the work load and the weekend outings, i came to learn more about who I am on a professional and deep personal level.

I am still not sure who the J of today is, however more pieces to the puzzle that defines me fell into place.

If my path does not lead me here permanently at least, in the end, I have some deep rooted experiences and memories that will be with me for a lifetime.

Although peace and solitude provided much needed reflection, it still reminds me of the need to share future experiences with someone else.

Someone who is willing to take that leap of faith of a grand adventure, because....

...we only get one chance at life, make it count.

~ J

echoes of past

you think you are one

     knowing there may be a two

          Emphasize my past

enter a door

    healing a broken spirit

        can move forward

you say you can laugh

    miles and miles away

        silly thoughts echo

singing our song

    intended for us alone

        met you on a beach

~ J

Leveling the Playing field

I have often wondered about the complications we as human beings get ourselves into.  It is almost as if we seek diversity and negativity in order to survive.

It amuses me that how humans go out of their way to make someone else’s life so miserable because they themselves are as miserable.  If only they knew that it is so much easier to put their own house in order than to create discord amongst their peers.

I can only observe as these mortals create dissention, for when I try to show them differently I was only shunned and looked down upon as a lunatic.

So all I can do is just observe.   

~ J

Less a clue

Sending a message this morning was the least of my concerns, unconcerned of any possible outcome I continued my pursuit of the impossible.

My Struggle over my weight is a extremely tough battle, it seems I have reached an excrutiaing plataue, a barrier I just cannot surpass.

The battle is entirely in my head and as I contemplate the possible outcomes I run the risk of eternally falling into the abyss of obesity.

The journey of 2009 but a mythological memory in a distant past.  it almost seems that last year was but a page of a long forgotten fantasy novel that has come to an 'to be continued' with a not so satisfactory end.

I already began putting the tale to paper before the events of '09 completely slip me into a distant dream only fondly reminisced days later.

I wonder if the second book of the "Lord of the Rings" trilogy began "...and Frodo went back to the shire leaving the One Ring somewhere on the path to Mordor only to give up such an impossible task to a simpler life locked away in his humble abode..."

Not to exciting of a tale..or maybe Tolkien left out chapter or two between the first two books where Frodo set up a semipermanent home only to sulk over the impossible task saying to himself "maybe today will be the day I get back on track?" only to find it harder and harder to leave the comfort zone he created for himself.

Unfortunately the one factor that remained with Frodo up until the end was his childhood friend Samwise, who relentlessly kept the hobbit on his large toes despite the unsurmountable odds stacked against them.

I wonder where is my 'Samwise' on this journey filled with self-doubt and disillusionment.  

reading over my post see the self pity and loathing scattered through out, and I begin to wonder....

I am not putting blame on anyone, the bed I made is entirely for me to sleep in and no one else.  

In the end I stand by the fact that I am J I am a Finley and the odds are stacked up against me in ways I cannot start to comprehend, but by God I am going to pick up this damn ring and throw into the fires of Mordor, even if it kills me.  All I can say is if any Orcs dare to get in my way...

...May God have mercy on their souls

~ J

Wandering why?

This is a difficult thing for me, I wish I was not so sensitive to the feelings of others. Their hurt weighs heavily on my shoulders. I need to set aside my own pains for it is a mere spec in comparison to the world of suffering outside the confines of my mind.

My cookie diet Day 1: 12:45PM

It is now a quarter to one in the afternoon and the first signs of hunger is present. I can feel this is going to come full on.

I have to say though 6 hours is not too shabby, munch another cookie wait less than five hours, a decent dinner then this just may work...

~ J
Sent on the Sprint® Now Network from my BlackBerry®

My cookie diet: Day 1 12:05PM

It is now around lunch time and the intense hunger has not arrived yet, let's see if I can hold out untill 1:30 before the next 'cookie'

~ J
Sent on the Sprint® Now Network from my BlackBerry®

Da Cookie Diet: Day 1 11:05AM

Okay it took me awhile to come up with a new diet, but I was going a little crazy grasping at straws here.

I signed up for weight watchers last week, and ordered a month and a half supply of cookies.

No not your average Oreo, Mrs fields, or chips ahoy.

I started this "Smart for life" cookie diet.

Basically I replace a meal with one of their cookies, and it is suppose to sustain you and stave off your hunger.

I took my first one at 8:05AM this morning, with a cup o' coffee now it is 11:05AM and I have to say I do not feel hunger.

Normally by this time I would be gnawing off my own arm, but now, nada.

~ J

Sent on the Sprint® Now Network from my BlackBerry®

Airport Contemplation

Three hours before my flight leaves I sit in a small cafe evaluating my March.  Starting with a funeral anding in a business trip to Phoenix with a birthday, wedding, baby shower, and vacation sandwich in between, I realize I have plenty to consider.

I woke up early with a severe shoulder pain.  It seems I have pulled a muscle with the extra work I put in on Friday.  After sitting behind a computer for the best part of the past three months it was nice to be doing some physical work this past week.  My job took me out here to Arizona, for a couple of reasons, the main one being they were backed up with a large work load.

So between getting used to the time difference and picking up the slack I barely had a moment to absorb the magnificent beauty this state has to offer.  I am sitting at the airport by my gate three hours before my flight is due to take off, watching the sun quickly rise, revealing a stunning landscape of rocky mountains and shocking blue skies.

I fell in love with AZ the first morning, the only plus was I needed to travel to a couple of schools so I was able to get a taste of what they have to offer.

My colleagues over here sure needed the extra hands, I was more than happy to get back into things and get mine dirty again.  There is nothing like good hard labor when you throughly love your job.  I even thought about requesting to stay another week to help them with the excess workload. However I need to get back to a somewhat familiar environment to evaluate My March.

My March has certainly been the proverbial 'emotional rolleroaster'.  This up coming week is Spring break for the school I am stationed at, so with the staff/students off I am looking forward to a quiet week of mainly remote work and peace.  This will provide me the opportunity to contemplate my March and see where I am at mentally and emotionally.  I know I will be the stronger and somewhat wiser J, but to what extent I will find out over the next few days.

As I conclude I glance over to my iGoogle countdown clock; 13 days, 23 hours, 23 minute until I am 35.

~ J

Blog on hold

Please pardon this brief interlude, feel free to peruse the earlier post in the mean time.

~ J

W6: D36; Hey buddy can you spare some change?

My path is one of inner peace and self enlightenment.

As I journey toward self awareness I begin to see the flaws in the world around me which that much more clarity.

Do not get me wrong, I am far from perfect, nor will I ever achieve perfection.  I only seek a fraction of enlightenment.

My understanding of the world around me comes into a focus, not an absolute, but a small percentage; more than I was yesterday or yesteryear.

With this comes the burden of responsibility called 'acceptance'

I must learn to accept the more inhumane qualities of humanity or else I am in danger of becoming sucked into despair and possibly resentment to those who continue to practice deceit and  harm to their neighbors.

As I force myself to become a kinder and more understanding man, I am sadden by the negativity my own family exudes.

Knowing I cannot change the world and only accept it for what it is, is one thing; However

Watching my family travel down the path of self destruction is one of the most difficult parts of my own journey.

For attempting to show them the peace I seek only ends up dragging me into their despair and self pity.

With family this pull is much stronger and the loss of my humanity is greater in the end.

If I cannot help them by pleading to them to change, then I must do the most difficult thing of all.

I need to separate myself from them in order to continue down my path and only hope to lead by example.

I am not perfect.

I am far from inner peace.

Farther still from enlightenment.

But I am J.

No matter what obstacles are thrown into my path.

What burdens I am forced to carry.

I am J and nothing, no one, can change this.

~ J

W5: D34; My valentine's post

Seeking my valentine.

She must be willing to smile at a moments notice.

Willing to be treated with respect, kindness, and compassion.

She must be able to put up with my good nature, my constant bombardments of compliments, and observations.

She needs to be able to understand that I am not right all the time and be willing to accept an apology for the frequent occasions I may be wrong.

She must be willing to know that she will be loved and no matter what I will never betray or turn away from her, and always take her side.
Willing to be comforted when needed, hugged when down, and cheered up when sad.

When she feels vulnerable to understand I am there to take care of her

Thank you

~ J

This is going to be a great weekend...

Because I said so!

~ J

A day in a blog of.......

Hey friends,  it seems I have been concentrating my posts solely on my recovery, and I need to get back to the regularly schedule chaos.

I was pondering a question, where is ones place in the universe?

and I came to one very simple yet obvious answer to this most sought after question .

The answer to this question: Right now.

Allow me to break this down.

Right now is a fix point in time, tomorrow (the future) does not exist.  The only certainty about tomorrow is it will arrive in 24 hours.

We tend to get so caught up with the 'what will' of a shifting period of time that we tend to put blinders toward the 'what now' of today.

here is an awesome quote I found on the internet:

"Discover potential by living now. Discover a full life by being present in the now rather than getting lost in tomorrow's to be..."

Being an observer of the human condition I tend to spot the potential of humanity.

we need to learn to become more aware of ourselves and our environment, so we can realize our potentials and the possibilities that surround us on a daily basis.

So quit fretting about something yet to exist so you will not miss out on the possibilities that are present.

~ J

W5: D31; No J, No Peace. Know J, Know Peace

There is one are of my life that I know very well I need to work on, this is my ego.


As I strip away the layers of my personality, something one does in the area of recovery, I come across my defect of character is that I can be a bit self absorbed, egotistical, and self-centered.


Sure I joke as this being my "good" qualities, but in the grand scheme of things this is actually an area I need to work on.


Once I realize my place in this universe is not at the center, then I can finnaly humble myself to my disease (addiction).  


I am J, and I am at day 31 of my new 2010 journey, so far I kept at my below 1000 calorie goal.  I am not seeing the results, yet, but this will not hinder me.  I will be strong, I will remain vigilant.  I will stay away from Dunkin Donuts.


I am not perfect.  I am not flawless.


I am Human, I am J.


Thank you
~ J


Epilogue:  certain pieces to my puzzle are falling into place and the larger picture is slowly beginning to reveal itself.  I may not see this in its entirety, I may not know what the outcome may be, but I understand.

W5: D30; J vs. Publix

Hello my friends,

Today I came to a conclusion about certain events outside my reality and decided to speak up, despite my vow of wei wu wei (action without action).

Afterwards I ended up in Publix and it was me against their super sale on Valentine goodies.

Suffice to say I remained abstinent, completed my nightly exercise, went to sleep, and woke up now...

~J (and you wonder why he leaves so much out)

I am in pain...

..but I feel o-kay.

.
~ J

Dont you love valentine's day >:-(

W5: D29; To new beginnings...

Greetings,

Welcome to the second month of my new 2010 journey.

Ironically I have received multiple compliments on how great I look throughout the day yesterday, and today.

Not to mention I am really digging some pictures I have of myself on Facebook.

all in all not bad.

I am still fighting with my scales (yes scales, plural).

But I am noticing my muscle tone is quite impressive (to me since it is still hidden under my considerable bulk).



Also I have a sponsor through the OA program I am working.

We had our first phone conference last night, it feels good having someone with shared experience checking up on me or keeping me in check.

I have more to say, but I need to get to bed.



~ J

Epilogue: I am J. and I am Happy.

W4: D28; All good things....

This post concludes week four, my goal was to lose 20 pounds by tomorrow.


This has been an interesting month, filled with highs and lows, mainly lows.


In the end I have learned that I am in this alone.


But.


I am not alone.


~ J


Epilogue: 

I am here...






early Monday morn
     masking these feelings of joy
          remembering

onto another
     following hearts desire
          eclipsing my fears

rest assured I am
     eternally in your grace
          happily ever

emptiness fulfilled
     becoming is who i am
          loneliness my fate

lilies in a field
     I will admire afar
          wild flowers bloom

opening my mind
     hope is not lost cause
          where is my question

by J

I am

W4: D26; Why did the chicken cross the road?

Greetings my friends,

As I come in to a conclusion to week four of the new leg of my journey, I come to the realization that I was able to begin anew because I am doing this for myself, and no one else.

This has been a reoccurring issue with me in the past as I made changes in my life to please other people.
However this will fall under the category "accept the things I cannot change"

I know you are thinking "but J you are making these changes to your own self"

Yes, but I was making those changes in hopes that I change someone else.

In this my changes became moot.

So it was not until I realize that these changes were for myself and only myself, that I am able to enter this leg of my journey with a renewed vigor and positive attitude toward bettering my self.

So when my scale says that nothing loss, I am not discouraged because my old clothes are hanging off my body as a clown, and newer smaller sizes are now fitting me like a glove, and my muscle tone in my chest arms and abdomen are becoming more defined.

So by this I am now recouraged (or is it encouraged?).

Thank you for seeing me through these past four weeks.

All I have to say going into week five is:

BRING IT ON!!!

~ J

Epilogue:  to answer the riddle "why did the chicken cross the road?"

To get into me belly.

I got into an arguement with my digital scale, I have been seeing a new scale.

W4: D25; Week four overview...

This week we learned J's take on the serenity prayer

J bought two pairs of pants, one his current size, and one a size smaller.  The size smaller was going to be his "goal" pants, setting a goal to fit into them in less than two weeks.  When he arrived home with his purchases, just for fun, he tried on his size smaller "goal pants" and to his amazement, they fit.  Not only did they fit but there was no two hours struggle to button them up, nor is there any unnecesary strain on the waist area where the button is in danger of flying off and striking some random kid in the head (not that that ever happened, because it did not, happen that is, or at least when the kid came to without any memory J took that as a free pass of that ever happening).

So now J is stuck with a new pair of pants that fits and one too big.

Anyway where were we, oh yeah week in review, we learned J's take on the...

What was that now? oh yeah I said that already.

we previewed three more random chapters from the "Book of J" (available nowhere).


and how to make a fat free, sugar free double chocolate, chocolate fudge, cream filled seven layer chocolate chip cookie cake.

~ J

Epilogue:

Book of J, Chapter 34:

I am J

I used to be Jason, but I eleminated Anger, Selfishness, Obesity, and Negativity from my life.

Now I am J.

~J (because I am)

W4: D24 ...and the wisdom to know the difference

Wisdom is key, at this point we need all the wisdom we can get.

Wisdom is so key that we need to pray for guidance.

Wisdom is a certain state of awareness to see outside the box.

Seeing outside your own box is paramount to any type of recovery.

The more aware you become of your enviroment and your addiction the more you can see the differences to the things you can or cannot change.

This of course is not a simplistic task. We need to work on ourselves, work on our deffects of character, and work a program before we can achieve enlightenment.

Thank you for stopping by

~ J

Epilogue:

Book of J, Chapter 12;

1 Humanity has a tendancy to create a bubble of illusion, living in a fantasy world of sorts.  2 In this little world they are the center of the universe existing only for themselves.  3 Creating illusions of how things actually are and seeing things with a skewed perception.  4 Being more 'aware' I can see the raw reality surrounding me. Being human (flawed) I too am subjected to creating this 'bubble'. The only difference is I am aware of this and often see through it.  5 However being human (flawed) I sometimes fall prey to the created illusions. This kunumdrum causes a conflict between my logical and irrational sides.  6 The logical, being more aware and seeing through my created illusions.  7 Irrational, the side myself stuck inside my created bubble.  8 Seeing outside my own box, I teach myself to 'contain' my irrationality in turn accepting my reality and knowing the difference between the two.

W4: D23; To change the things I can

The next line in the serenity prayer basically tells us "Yes there are things in life that you can change"

The changes we need to make can only be made within ourselves.

Now if there is someone in your family that constantly antagonizes you to the point of insanity and no matter what you do or say to this person, the attacks continue, and the more you try, and the more you say, the worst it gets.

At this point we need to realize that the only changes you can make in this type of relationship is within yourself.

By creating serenity in our lives, our minds what we need to change becomes more apparent.

Then new options you never knew existed opens up.


~ J

Epilogue:

Book of J, Chapter 13:


1 entering a new
     mental state of my being
          excepting my fate

2 evil thoughts shut out
     surviving war with demons
          underestimate

3 only I can know
     yet if I told my secret
          outcome can only destroy
               determination

W4: D21; ...To accept the things I cannot change.

Oh boy this is a broad statement to say the least, especially speaking to a person who wants to change the world.

As human beings we are flawed creatures, constantly making the wrong decisions.

My idea of attempting to change an environment governed by chaos only fed into my insanity.

This insanity fed into my addiction.

In a world of constant consequence the only things we can truly change is ourselves.

So as the second line in the serenity prayer states:

God,
Grant me the serenity
To accept the things I cannot change
...

A key to my survival in overcoming such an enormous addiction is 'acceptance' by this one word I am makeing a leap into the correct direction of recovery.

And the acception of things I cannot change is a difficult choice, by by accepting this we gain a better understanding of our environment and then our selves.

~ J

Book of J, Chapter 77:

W3: D20; Grant me the serenity

At this point I now recognize that I allowed my addiction to take control of my life.

Although I have been free from 'binging' for over a year, this does not mean I am free from my addiction ruling my self.

At this point I need to find a place to grant me serenity, the serenity I need to escape the driving force of my vice.

I found solace in a variety of places, but I see now that I need to seek my serenity from peers that lived the out-of-control lifestyle I found myself trapped in.

I have restored my faith in humanity through a close friend, who (unbeknownst to her) showed me that there are still people in the world who actually care and thrive on others positivity.  I am not explaining this properly, but my questioning humanity is a separate topic of discussion.

I am grateful to discover a group of individuals who share similar stories.

Thank you for stopping by

~ J

Book of J, Chapter 22:

1  I am like the wind.  I can be the calm breeze on a warm summer day.  If someone should stand against you; I will be the hurricane a force to be reckoned with.
2  I am like a rock.  No matter what negative force should come against me, my resolve will not break; no matter what I will be a stable force, I will always be there and never turn away.
3  I am as fire.  I will bring a life giving warmth when times seem cold.  In turn I will give you a burning desire to live life, fire the soul so you can make it through the day
4  I am water.  Overtime I can wear away your hardened heart.  Wash away your fears and resentments, cleanse old wounds.
5  I am spirit.  I am steadfast.  Free of doubt, with a higher clarity of purpose and understanding of my reality.
I am J.

I am flawed.

W3: D19 When in doubt trust a friend

This journey has become an insufferable one.

There are days of Highs and lows.

I found that having a friend to count on while in this path can help take the burdens load.

It is important to learn to trust someone, if not we can be discouraged by the obstacles and possibly fail.

~ J

Epilogue:

Book of J, Chapter 17:

1 Anger is a force, a form of energy
energy cannot be destroyed or suppressed
2 Energy can be transformed
3 Anger used to rule my life
it dictated my mood and attitude toward people
4 This force fed off my
fears, resentments, and life energy
and in turn producing more fear and resentments
5 This force is unaware and uncaring
its only goal is to destroy self
6 Anger cannot be destroyed or suppressed
7 but as a form of energy
it can be transformed
8 This can be a very difficult process
It will seem so much easier to suppress it
9 but in the end this can cause
physical manifestations, and in time
release with such force as a large bomb
10 We must learn to harness
this energy and turn it
into something else
11 such as;
love, compassion, or humor

W3: D17; …that our lives had become unmanageable

"---that our lives had become unmanageable"


The second half of the first step.


In my case I have become so consumed by food and eating that my life has turned into an upside down disaster.


At this point I all my activities would revolve around eating.


When I went on a business trip, I would plan out all the restaurants, and fantasize what I would eat for dinner, desserts.


Outings, tempted by the prospect of eating.


Holidays, well you know, the meaning of Christmas and Thanksgiving was food food food, and the days surrounding those would consist of easy accessible treats galore.


It has become too much, I was no longer consuming food, food was consuming me.


Again this second half of the first step is an application to any sort of addiction, not just Alcohol and food, but the others I have mentioned in my previous post.


"We admitted we were powerless over our addiction - that our lives had become unmanageable"


I am J, I am human, I am flawed, but I am still J


Thank you


~ J


Epilogue:

Book of  J, Chapter 1:

1 I am on a journey
it is a journey of choice
the path I chose
is by far not an easy one
2 although there are
times of great joy
many obstacles still
plague my way
3 These obstacles
can be harsh
it is not the degree
of difficulty they pose
but the manner of
how I handle each one
4 On my journey I will
meet great people
some will fade in
then out of my path,
others may last till the end
5 I cannot choose
the latter or the former
I can only accept the
inevitability of the two
6 Some of these people
will have a positive outcome
on my journey
others will be
downright negative
7 Whether positive
or negative
I will not ignore
but learn from
8 so I may grow
become wiser
for the next leg
of my path.

When life hands you lemons

Squeeze it into Life's eyes and run away laughing as Life screams in agony.
~ J

W3: D16; We admitted we were powerless over our addiction

"We admitted we were powerless over our addiction..."

Admitting we are powerless over anything is a very very difficult thing to do, let alone admitting being powerless over an addiction.

However I found it is human nature to have an addiction over one thing or another, whether it is a substance such as drugs or alcohol, or food, or a intangible yet real thing like codependent, or our insecurities.

These addictions exist and, whether we realize it or not, rule our lives.

I admit I have several addictions I am powerless over; one of them is my overeating.

I find it very difficult to consume food in moderation and sometimes seeking sources to satisfy my need to binge.

This is both a conscience and unconscious behavior.

I say unconscious because at one point in my life I trained my mind and body to automatically respond to picking up before my mind can react.

At this point I realize that I have a serious problem.

A few weeks ago just a day after I started my path, I walked into a room where someone was kind enough to put out donuts for staff. Without even a thought I found myself elbow deep in a jelly donut.

Just as an alcoholic new to recovery cannot consciously enter a bar, I cannot be in a room containing my addiction by myself.

I would like to add that this is a very difficult thing for me to admit, but I bare myself on my blog for my sanity.

Thank you

~ J

Epilogue:



lighting my path to
     an almost perfect future
          incompleted sentences


causing my effect
     epitaph my forever
          paraphrasing thoughts


serving no masters
     securing only passage
          into an unknown


end my suffering
     home is my only question
          so why are there more

W3: D15

So begins the third week of my new journey.

It has been a rough couple of weeks, but fullfilling to say the least.

I cheated more than I wanted on Sunday, I am undecided about "cheat days" but for now I will leave them at every other Sunday.

Yesterday (Monday W2: D7) I started my first OA meeting, OA stands for Overeaters Anonymous.

They are a support group of individuals who share a similar journey to my own, or a past that lead to this difficult life decision.

I plan to attend another one on Saturday morning, I was informed this one will prove to be powerful.

I would like to touch on the twelve steps in my blog each week, the first step is "We admitted we were powerless over our addiction - that our lives had become unmanageable"

I will delve more into this on future posts.

My scale seems to be malfunctioning, all kidding aside, the numbers fluxuate as I stand on it, before I was able to get somewhat of an acurate read by weighing myself over and over until I get three of the same reading.

So I am in a confused state at the moment.

I will be back.

~ J

fields of observations

Greetings friends,

I thought I should touch on the name I chose for my blog.

First I would like to point out the seemingly randomness of my posts.

I chose the title because I consider myself an observer of the human condition, life, the universe, and everything.

I play the role as the ignorant fool, but in reality I am more aware of my environment then most people believe. If there is a time I actually do not 'get it' or cannot 'catch on' it is because I see a much larger picture and I sometimes need to 'zoom in' to understand what the situation is calling for.

But in the end I understand more than what other people are beginning to fathom.

Thank you for stopping by, I am always honored by your visitations.

 

Your friend,

 

~ J

 

Epilogue: …or maybe I am full of crap and just copied this post from someone else's blog.

Ghost in the Hole

Fact # 165:

Rosy is a great person (no matter what she thinks)

W2: D10

Ok folks I weighed myself this morning and I am finnaly making progress :)

if you continue with my math I post from yesterday:

As of January 21st I lost 5 more pounds.

Yes I know quite a leap, which brings my total loss since January 4th to, 18 pounds.

Hee hee.

This morning I decided to 'Shake' things up with breakfast (get it shake things up and I had a shake).

I added to the blender:

1 cup of ice
1 cup of chocolate soy milk (no it will not turn me into a chick)(although I wish it would make one appear)
1/2 cup of plain oatmeal
1 banana
1/4 cup of the protien shake powder
1/2 ounce of love

grind this up to one chocolatey mess, and wala we have a deliciouso breakfast treat that will fill you up and give you muscles*

ahhhh so good.

ttyl friends, and sleep wells.

~ J

*results may vary, to get the muscles you must lift wieghts or do some kinda actvitiy besides sitting on the couch and watchin tv, not reccomended for children between the ages of 0 - 6 or 6-10 or any age for that matter, void where prohibited

Today was a good Day, Last night was an awesome night, Tonight will be Fintastic

Greetings Friends,

Ah, Wed Nes Day, the odd day of the week. Also unappreciated, but not as unappreciated as Monday.

Tuesday started off as a bad a bad day UNTIL I decided to make it a good day...

...and it was so.

I even received an invite from my best friend to hang out that evening...

...and it was so.

We got to explore who we are, who we were, and who we are to be (or not to be, this is the question).

Today was great, busy as heck, but enjoyed every excruciating minute :)

This evening will be just as so, because I said so


So there.


~ J (because I am)

Pricking Flowers Picking Me

grow heart of kindness
     never knowing what fate fool
          interfere my song


zapateado dance
     around a utopia
          music vibrates soul


another follows
     singing along in a beat
          ice melting away


eternal ponder
     holding unreality
          slip away my mind


selling a used soul
     enticing demons away
          yesterday no more


~ J

W2: D9

Greetings,

I went on to weigh myself on a daily basis, I need to understand that my results will fluctuate, but as long as I stick to it I will be okay.

As of January 4th My start weight = X.

As of January 16^th I lost 16 pounds.

As of January 19^th I gained 6 more pounds.

As of January 20^th I lost 3 more Pounds.

Not an exact science so before I cry at any of these results and go running to my good friends Ben and Jerry I will give this a month and look at the pattern.

Against my friends protest I am maintaining a below 1000 calorie/day diet of foods consisting of vegetables, seasoned chicken (with herbs no salt), whole grain rice, and fruit (apples/bananas).

Yesterday I purchased the most expensive protein powder shake mix on the market, and made a shake this morning by adding a cup of ice, cup of water, ¼ cup of the protein powder, and two bananas.

It was decent, I purchased more ingredients will explain more tomorrow

~ J

Epilogue: TBC

W2: D8

As promised I will forward you my new recipes:


Well not really recipes, but what am I doing to add variety to my diet.

First off I purchased a medium sized rice cooker with a steam tray and a spice rack from Target .

I purchased a few bags of WHOLE GRAIN rice, the white stuff is evil.

I also picked several bags of a Broccoli/cauliflower/carrot mix.

And finally a few pounds of lean chicken breasts.

The first thing I did was fill the well half way with water, reduced sodium chicken broth, garlic, carrots, celery, chopped onions, and a variety of spices. Then I let the steamer come to a boil.

In the meantime I mixed olive oil chopped onions, garlic, some spices, a tiny pinch of sea salt in a bowl and rubbed my chicken into the mix.

I placed to pieces into the steam tray and cook the chicken for ten minutes (checked to make sure that it was fully cooked) and put it into a Tupperware.

I did this for all my chicken, stacked it into the Tupperware, then refgerated it.

With the broth and the chicken, I now have my protein for 3 – 4 days.

Each piece is no more than 80 calories, I eat 4 pieces through out the day (starting a couple of hours after breakfast, and an hour before lunch, if done right eat a piece an hour for four hours).

Between breakfast and lunch I eat my apples.

This seems to be holding me off.

Of course this was my first day.

Tomorow I am going to try to cook fish in my steamer.

I am steamed

~ J

Epilogue: This is no way an instructional thing or a guide, I am just informing you (my reader) what I am doing through the course of my journey.  Mainly this is for me, to record my progress, oh and since is the first day of week 2 I need to include a picture, I promise I will take one tomorrow.

W1: D7

Did I really make it through the first week?

Gosh.

Tomorrow I will discuss some of my new recipes I came up with.

~ J

Epilogue:  For every step I take forward I feel like I am taking two backwards...

W1: D4

Greetings friends,


Even though I reset my path to this past Tuesday, I actually started my new diet plan Monday Jan 4th 2010.

With the exception of my time in Tampa (what happens in Tampa, remains in Tampa) I maintained a below 1000 calorie a day diet.

For those of you who do not know me, I am an individual that enjoys eating, particularly good robust foods.

A sudden switch to salads, vegetables, and lean deli meats (alone) is akin to a crack addict quitting cold Turkey (not the food cold turkey but the expression).

I know what you are thinking 'crack is so much worst' but remember this my fiendish frolicking fine fermented fruitful friends, crack can be avoided, unfortunately food cannot.

So my mind is a large battlefield. On one side it is me and on the other side a frackin buffet.

To make things worst I do not have a thyroid, which means I do not have a metabolism.

My 'new' metabolism is being regulated by a drug called synthroid but that only comes in a regulated dose and I am at their max.

No I am not using this as an excuse, I lost 16 pounds so far (since Jan 4th) despite my lack of a thyroid.

I bring this up because this journey tends to mess with someone's head.

All the guards I set up over seven years ago seem to be disintegrating.

I am writing this now to show myself I have a semblance of awareness to this fact left.

That I am hanging in there.

It will get worse before it becomes better.

~ J

Epilogue: I am J, you can take away my pride and my dignity but you cannot take away that, I am J.

Waiting

I am watching the seconds click past knowing what is to come will be a deciding point of my future.

Do I go left or do I go right.

thirty-five minutes to go, the second hand mocks me.

This is a difficult decision.

I need to put a lotof thought into it.

Weighing the pros and the cons.

I will flip a coin.

~ J

I feel worthless.

hope is weakening
     triviality roams mind scapes
          under broken bridge    

talking spirits warn
     end of loneliness a nigh
          heralding new day

trickster waits patient
     eventuality mine
          melting our dreams

leveling a field
     love seeding the earth's soil
          entropy rising abyss
               to sow what is reap

~ J

W1: D3

Pushed myself too much.

Almost buckled over from dehydration.

Good one J.

~ J

Epilogue: I am determined to lose a signifigant amount of weight by April, I cannot take this anymore, and I cannot allow myself to be a procrastinating frack up.

Unother Haiku

never waiting for
     eternity of watching
          knowing not the end

          ordering pizza
               reinventing my old life
                    becoming no more

               evil shows its face
                    bowing down force to give in
                         telling my secret

                    overcoming odds
                         natural course giving way
                              letting go my past

love is damaged
     I do not want to be blind
          willing to go on

~ J

W1: D2

I could really go for a slice of pizza.

~ J

Week 1 Day 1

Hello my friends,

I decided to reset the clock to today, 2009 is done with, so 2010 I am starting over.

Today I had for breakfast my Protein Shake
160 calories

two small green apples
(do not count for they burn more calories than consumed)

a package of deli meat (eaten throughout the day)
480 calories

for dinner A bag of salad
45 calories

with assorted broccoli, cauliflower, and carrots (also burns more calories than consumed)
45 calories.
Total: 730 calories.

I am including a pic I took after my exercise regiment, and throwing in one I took January of 2009 (yes the second pic WAS me).

I have to say I thought I would be continuing this journey on my own, but it seems I have an awesome friend who will be cheering me on :)

~ J









323

Monday, the misunderstood Day

Greetings friends,





Another long and abundant day has past in this quickly turning old new year :)



Oh man I so forgot what I had to write.



I made a detour on my way back from Tampa and found myself in a very obscure town.

Something profound happened here, it was most unusual I happened to stop at that precise moment.

I have a poem I want to share from mypast, i wrote this back in 1999, ironically it is titled

"I, Past"

it it part of a poetic triology:

I, Past

Continuity provides
what the minds eyel
eaves for the dead
homage country
long forgotten
by wealth of new nations

struggling poor
foundation for
a society
built of gold

several years gone by
one day left
into a vivid tomorrow

they can say for sure
but it is inevitable
fortune of our fathers
leading us into damnation
locked away are their secrets
a bundle we cannot share

breeding geniuses
for a new race
weeding out
us stupid people
can I not revel
in my ignorance
can I have comfort
in not knowing
not realizing
hatred poured out
from our world
by our ancestors

is this what they want to remember
a terrifying past
filled with blood
carnage
so that we do it better
the next time
kill more precisely

innocence
is not an excuse
being
leaves you guilty

fight for
their cause
you are wrong
fight for ours
are we wrong

who is the victor
if we are all dead

Quantum Singularity in downtown Kissimmee

I have been pondering a theory that there may be a quantum singularity located within and around the Main street of downtown Kissimmee.

As you drive in off the turnpike you cannot help but notice the slow degradation of 192.

However in the center of all this failed business is downtown Kissimmee, starting at the south side of 192 and making its way down main street.

Here it appears the businesses are thriving.

Now this is not the perplexing part, the part I am referring to is the strong pull this area has on me. I feel myself drawn to it.

Not to the measure of dropping everything and setting roots in the area, just sort of a magnetic north for my travels.

I know this may sound unusual but there maybe a phenomena that is causing this draw and quite possibly drawing others as well which may or may not contribute to the prosperity of this small town.

or I am delusional, in either case woo hoo :)

Your awesome friend,

~ J

Woo Hoo!!!

Greetings Friends (plural),

I just checked my counter stats and I have two new possible readers (or two people who accidentally stumbled upon my blog)

It says they were on long enough to read a post or two, call a buddy over to share in the miserable hilarity that is my world.

If you are out there, I just have one thing to say:

Mind your own business and get off my blog!!!









You are still there? Good you past my first test, my unusual sense of humor.

Anyway not sure if this is a momentous occasion, but if you are reading this please be warned, my blog can shift moods without warning.

and

watch out for falling ice


and

Do not read my blog and drive

(the last part I legally had to add after this one incident....well never mind that)

So long my new friends

~ J

Epilogue: Nevermind I think the two new people was ME from two other locations (Paneras and my phone) :'( in this case all I have to say is: "Goodnight Julian"

Baby its cold Outside

Greetings Friends,

I lost 11 pounds this week.

I think I found my rhythm again, or another that will work for the next couple of months.

My cousin's wedding is coming up, it is on a weekend but I think I will take the whole week to travel and figure things out.

I am opting by that time to weigh significantly less then what I do now, last march I had a horrible experience flying in an airplane, which I had to for my job, those seats are too darn small even for skinny people.

But then again I do not know what it is like to be thin so who am I to say.

Maybe those seats are actually normal size.

Thank you for reading,

Your awesome friend,

~ J

Epilogue: It has cleared up signifigantly since yesterday, I am looking forward to my trip later.

I liked this quote...

"Funny thing about technical errors, is that you can usually figure out exactly what caused the problem fix everything up as good as new. I wish the same were true for human errors; wouldn't it be great for when we really screw up we can figure out exactly what made us act like a jackass in the first place and repair the damage, of course we would all be better off if we can avoid making stupid choices in the first place, take a minute think about the collateral damage we are causing in somebody else’s life. As it is all we have is 'I'm sorry' "
~Ned Banks

There is someone knocking on my door

Okay friends, this is thelast t ime i drink to get warm, i think I am hearing things now.

I opened the door and no one was there.

Okay maybe one more drink.

Friends do not let friends drink and blog.

and yet I continue to drink

just one more

I feel so numb.

my teeth are chittering

I think it is going to be cold outside.

Okay this is the last one, as soon as the knocking stops I will get to sleep

Good night (or good morning)

~ J

keeping the vegetables cold

the cold air has snuck into my cottage

I feel like iceberg lettuce

~ J

Epilogue: i opened my front door to take a peek, I still cannot see the stars. Damn you weather channel for getting my hopes up.

Previous Post

Oh gosh I drank a bad combination of booze.

I was so dizzy and did weird things, I wrote that previous post completely inebriated, I think I will keep it up as a monument to my stupidity.

I was waiting for the sky to clear this evening so I can go star gazing, i read an earlier report on the weather channel's web site that South Florida was going to have a clear evening.

But it was not so I did not.

I went last week, but only as far as 27, although it was sufficient enough, it was still not the same as my favorite spot.

Maybe tomorrow evening, I also believe there is a meteor shower coming up later this month, I think I will travel out to my spot to witness this.

~ J

Epilogue: When i came to I found my wireless keyboard in pieces, this is unusual indeed...

hEllo my fRiend

I have come a long way in 2009.

I set out on a journey of self improvement and enlightenment.

During this Tao I discovered a few things about myself and the world.

I was ready to give up on humanity and just focus on unity with life and nature when people came into my life.

One in particular showed me that there are still people out there that can be redeemable

Do not get me wrong, I know the world is full o people with a pure heart and enlightened intentions, but I never thought I would meet someone who share a deep sense of self awareness as I do.

The other part of my journey consisted of losing the excess weight I accumulated over the previous decade.

In June of 195 I came to south Florida at 300 pounds.

Someone pointed to me my unhealthy disposition, and I took this to heart.

In the course of the year I created a strict diet and exercise plan for myself

By June of the following year I weighed 225 pounds.

even though I was at an optimal weight than the one I was when I started, i always saw myself as the obese kid that began that journey.

Despite the fact I went from a size 46 to a 38 I kept beating myself up and refused to believe I looked better.

In the end my irrational part took over and I gave up altogether.

Over the preceding years I slowly increased in weight, always fluctuating depending on my mood.

It was until recently I realised I was an emotional eater.

But not the emotion you would think of, I ate when i was happy, and the more happy I was the more I ate.

I know you are going to laugh at what I about to say, and point out that so many people had horrible childhoods, close to that of what our worst nightmares could not paint, but you see, I had a happy childhood.

My mother was good to us, she took us out on adventures, and always made sure we had more than enough to eat.

We were poor, but we never never went hungry.

It did not help that my mother was no IS and amazing cook.

Her worst culinary "experiments" were much better than 99% of what I had at any of the "best" restaurants out there.

Getting back on track.

From 2000 to 2002 my life took a turn for the bad, not financially, but spiritually, I became an awful person.

I did things that most people would consider borderline evil.

I had an incredible rage issue that would ignite at a whim.

By the time 2002 came to its end I concluded I needed a change.

A HUGE change, a complete reboot on my life.

So I quit my job, lost all my current friends, and sought a better understanding of myself.

this prompted a happiness in my life, so with happiness came indulgence, and so began my steady trek in increase weight.

From 2003 to 2004 I quickly rose up in ranks at my new place of my employment, I was never destined to be a 'telemarketer' so I found my niche in computers.

In the beginning of 2004 I was ready to meet a girl.

Getting to know her showed that I had the skills to begin mingling with society once more as a productive citizen.

Low and behold I fell for her, and amazingly enough she fell for me, and so begins a deeper happiness followed by intense eating.

we were "married" the beginning of 2005 and toward the end of this year began the decline of my health.

By October of 2005 I had a major growth on my thyroid and when removed it turned out to be cancer.

So the remainder of 2005 consisted of my surgery and recovery and another reevaluation of my life.

2006 consisted of the declination of my "marriage".

by the end 2006 she separated from me and determined to get her back I separated from her.

fighting a inner battle to get on with my life and to win her back, she remained at my side as a friend, maintaining my happiness I increased in size once more.

toward the middle of 2008 I was well on my way to 400 pounds and after finally discovering she had found companionship elsewhere and the possible exception of being alone once more I reached an unheard of amount of 425 pounds.

Health in bad shape, and in danger of diabetes on December 31st, 2008 9:33PM I made a declaration that I was going to turn my life around and lose my weight and further my journey of self enlightenment.

So on January 1st, 2009 a new Jason arrived into this world.

2009 contained more adventures, self discovery, and friendship in one year than my entire life.

So I ended 2009 at 320 pounds (100 pounds less) with one new amazing friend, and a lifetime of memories.

the decade ended with all my major issues tied off, accepting things the way they are, and finally on my true path of enlightenment.

Which means I am happier than I have ever been.

Which means I cannot stop thinking about food.

the first few days of 2010 consisted of struggling to stay on track with the continuation of losing weight and bettering myself.

By the 3rd I decided to up my diet to an extreme.

on the 4th I began my new plan, unfortunately it gave me only 500 - 600 calories per day.

This was unacceptable, I know I cannot do this with any cheat whatsoever, cause this would lead to a large demise to my diet.

So in conclusion I decided to unravel one acceptance I made over the new year. With the one acceptance out of the way I will be sufficiently miserable enough to get my mind off of over eating.

This is something that will never be but my irrationality thinks otherwise. I learned to suppress my irrational side, but for now he serves a higher purpose, so I will continuing to argue with him and in the meantime this distraction will be enough to continue this journey.

By the end of this year I will be 200 pounds.

Thank you for listening to me spew my nonsense,

Your awesome friend,

~ J

The weather outside is frightful

It is odd seeing 2010 on my phone

~ J

To my friend Julian

My friend, my brother, my only reader.

Thank you for your support bro.

~ J